I treasure the holiday time with family and friends, as well as the blessed respite from the daily routine. However, this is not a universal perception. For many people, the holidays are far from the most wonderful time of the year. They may be grieving the loss of a family member or might have experienced a difficult break-up earlier in the year, leaving them newly single in a season that celebrates togetherness and romance.

As a professional relationship coach, I’ve worked with many clients who dread the holidays because they feel uncomfortable with their single status. I remember working with a client I’ll call Carol, an attractive, newly divorced woman in her forties. She told me about going to a neighborhood Christmas party where her elderly neighbor introduced her as “the single girl next door.”  A little while later, she was talking with a couple who asked her, “Who did you come to the party with?”

Carol told me that when she answered, “I came alone,” an uncomfortable silence followed and she swore that they were looking at her with pity. She said she felt like she was on display at a petting zoo, as if she were a member of a rare and endangered species that only came out between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. Carol said that at any moment she expected the other party goers to take up a collection to save the species and motivate them to breed and repopulate.

I laughed but I also shook my head at her negative exaggeration. As David Simon has often said, “Reality is a selective act of perception.” Carol perceived the party through a lens that was heavily shaded with fear and insecurity. She could have just as easily focused on the friendliness of her neighbors, the opportunity to meet new friends, and gratitude for the delicious food and warm setting. The truth is that she was the one harshly judging herself.  The couple she met may have been envying her apparent freedom, while the older neighbor may have wished he could be her age again.

Cultivate a Loving Internal Dialogue

If, like Carol, your internal dialogue about being single is filled with thoughts such as “What’s wrong with me? Why am I alone again? Why can’t I find a compatible partner? Everyone must think I’m a real loser . . . ” ― I would strongly encourage you to shift your perception and to remember that your essential nature is infinite spirit. While most of us were taught to seek love and happiness from external sources, both of these qualities are innately ours. When you feel lonely or isolated, it’s because fear has clouded your perception, keeping you from experiencing the love and wholeness of your true Self. There is a beautiful quote from Deepak Chopra that expresses this idea in just a few words, “That which you are seeking is seeking you.”

Whenever you find yourself caught in a negative internal dialogue about being single (or about anything else), remind yourself that the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Ask yourself, “How can I be more loving to myself in this moment? What is the kindest thing I could do for myself right now?”

Be Open to All Expressions of Love

When I hear clients bemoan their “alone” status, and I remember the wonderful parents, siblings or children of whom they so fondly speak, I have to stop and remind them that though they do not necessarily have the specific form of love they so passionately seek, love is in abundance if they take a moment to recognize it.

Christmas shopping with their mom or sister, lighting candles with family at Hanukkah, playing with young nieces or nephews, holiday parties or outings with friends, all of these times resonate with joy and togetherness. If you put your attention on cherishing these moments and truly being present, feelings of loneliness will dissipate.

Cherish the relationships that you have with your family, friends, and co-workers. Even though they aren’t the “eros” love connection you may desire, they offer invaluable gifts of connection, comfort, and cheer during this holiday season.

Focus on Giving

As a single guy or gal, you have a rare and wonderful opportunity to help others who don’t have your freedom and flexibility. Why not offer to babysit for the couple with the new baby who have not had a night out alone in months. Invite your sister’s kids over for an afternoon so that she can finish some last-minute gift shopping. Volunteer at a soup kitchen on Christmas day because you want to help, and you CAN!

You can also enjoy the ritual of giving to yourself. Treat yourself to a massage, a new pair of shoes, or a meditation retreat. Do you want to plan a last-minute trip for New Year’s Eve? Go for it! You don’t have obligations to tie you down. The ability to be spontaneous, creative, and exuberant is a wonderful benefit to being single at this time of year! The important thing is to appreciate and take advantage of your single status in whatever way you choose, whether doing for others or nurturing yourself.

Make plans you’ll enjoy

There are a wide variety of holiday events you can enjoy by yourself or with friends.  Be adventurous and try something new this year. Even if you don’t consider yourself a good singer, attend a sing-it-yourself Messiah and experience the spiritual communion of hundreds of voices soaring in unison.  Even if you don’t normally attend church or temple, go for a candlelight service or concert.  See a play at your local community theater or spend an afternoon curled up with a good book in front of the fire.

Appreciating where you are in life is truly one of the keys to happiness.  Enjoy this portion of your journey . . . the lights, the music, and festivities – and the peace, stillness, and joy of the season.  Cherish the deep connections you already have in your life, and be open to possibilities for new friends and relationships. And if you feel inclined to tell the Santa at the mall that the most important thing on your list is a wonderful person to LOVE and share your life with, then do it!  Put your intentions out into the universe and know that you are infinitely lovable.

Naturally intuitive, warm, and empathetic, Traci is also a master matchmaker in the realm of love and romance. In addition to serving at the Chopra Center, she is the president of Love by Design, a personalized matchmaking and relationship coaching  company that she founded after many years of informally matching friends and acquaintances with great success.  This month we had the opportunity to sit down with Traci as she shared her life experience as well as wisdom about finding a partner and expanding love in our lives.

When did you start giving friends advice on dating and romance?

I started helping friends with dating in high school. I grew up with a strong, independent mom who made it very clear what was acceptable in the dating world for me, and her guidance gave me a lot of confidence in successfully navigating the world of dating. My friends kept coming to me for advice, wanting to know my “secret,” and I was happy to help in any way possible. I think they could see that I was having so much fun dating, and when they looked at their own less than stellar experiences, they wanted to know what I was doing differently.I was always a problem solver, with an ability to quickly assess and evaluate an issue and move towards resolution. In giving my friends advice, I was subconsciously honing my listening and guidance skills, which ultimately contributed to the creation of Love by Design.

What are some of your proudest success stories in the matchmaking world?

I am exceptionally proud of what I have taught all my clients, yet some success stories that are close to my heart involve my family. I helped my Dad find his current love of his life, and he says he’s the happiest he’s ever been in his entire life! I also introduced my ex-husband to his current wife. Some might find that a bit “different,” yet they are both amazing people who deserve to be crazy in love, and they are.  It’s a win-win for everyone! Also, when my very first client got married, and hugged me, saying “I owe this all to you!” . . . THAT’s what I’m proud of and passionate about!

What are the top five dating tips you would like to share?

The key is gratitude, then attitude. I tell my clients this all the time! Here’s what I mean:

First, be grateful. Be grateful for the journey you are on. Be grateful for all the wrong people you’ve dated. Appreciate the lessons, notice your patterns, and don’t keep making the same mistakes. Evolve. When you meet “the One,” you’ll understand why none of the others worked out.

Next, be your best self so you can attract the best. If there is a proverbial hole in your life, another person cannot fill it for you. When you are whole and happy, you will find a love that complements you, not completes you. You need to complete yourself. When you have self-esteem and come from the place that Deepak calls “self-referral,” you won’t make someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.

Third, play hard to get. I know many reformed skeptics who rejected this approach as old-fashioned or anti-feminist until they tried it. Modern women who used to scoff at their mothers’ or grandmothers’ wise advice are discovering that in reality, men do love the chase. My advice to women is to be assertive in the work place and discreet and “unavailable” with the opposite sex. I am not telling women to play games – I am simply reminding them that men are full of testosterone (not estrogen) and are hunters (not nurturers). They want to pursue.

Ask any guy and he will tell you that if he is interested in a woman, there is nothing that will stop them him from contacting her. If he asks her out without a couple of days’ notice, she needs to be unavailable. When a prize is too easy to claim, men will not work hard to attain it. If you’re a woman, live your life, and a man will work to fit into yours. Bending over backwards or canceling your plans to fit into his is never a good idea. That said, there is no set formula. Everyone is different, yet the philosophy of the chase absolutely works.

Fourth, be pragmatic. If a date or relationship doesn’t work out, move on. With any breakup, don’t demand closure and don’t obsess on what you did wrong. Focus on your positive qualities, accept where you could have improved, and start to plan your next exciting adventure. There was nothing “wrong” with you; you were simply with the wrong person. Go out and find the right one!

When the negative inner voices start shouting, say, “thank you for sharing,” and focus on something else. It’s like in meditation – when you notice your mind has drifted away from your mantra or object of attention, you just need to gently let that thought go and bring your attention back without criticizing yourself or getting upset.

Finally, design a plan and TAKE ACTION! If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll never get there. Every time you get out of the house is a dating opportunity. Take risks, try new things. And when your current plan doesn’t work, rather than getting discouraged, change your approach! Dedicate yourself to finding love.

What do you tell people who ask you, “How do I find the love of my life?”

Start by getting crystal clear on what you are looking for. Know your own core values and make sure they align with the people you date. This is a must for successful, long-term relationships. Use your head and your heart!

There is someone for everyone.Unfortunately, most people are impatient or they have an artificial time line for finding their perfect companion or they want instant gratification. This clouds their perspective and leads to anxiety and negativity when they don’t immediately find what they’re seeking. Finding love is a process that requires patience and the understanding that each experience and each lesson we learn strengthens our character and draws us closer to what we desire. We need to change our paradigm to enjoy the journey and to understand the path of love.

It takes time to find what you want, and it makes it that much more worthwhile if we relish the journey and enjoy the in-between time
living our lives. It is not a waiting game, for those who wait on love rarely find true love. Think of yourself as an onion, and each dating experience as the process of unpeeling, to find the truest, deepest layer of self, to perfectly present to yourself and your future mate.

You’ve mentioned that one of your favorite books is The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire, where Deepak Chopra explains how to harness the power of coincidence and intention to manifest our desires. Could you share what drew you to this book and what insights it has given you?

However….anyone that knows me well understands that I have the same fear that much of the world has… the fear of public speaking. Did you know that the idea of making a presentation in public is the #1 fear reported by people in the U.S.? A fear ranked even higher than DEATH! Geeessshh! So – what to do? Realize this is normal, and say yes to an amazing opportunity even when it scares you. Prepare, speak from the heart, share what you know, and go with the flow. It’s never easy the first time, and there is no perfection. There will always be pieces that could have been better, and mistakes that will be made. Yet embracing opportunities and pushing past your fears are vital parts of life. I met some amazing people, and watching them connect absolutely confirmed my belief that matchmaking is my passion. And if even one person in that room learned something, or met someone that accelerates their quest for true love, then it was absolutely worth it.

The moral of my first blog – Do things that scare you. Take risks AND take action! In the words of someone who inspires me personally – Gwen Stefani – from one of my all-time favorite songs (Whatcha Waiting For) – “Take a chance cause you might grow!”

Choose Love!
tlp